


Morgaine Speaks - An Alternate Retelling

by senselessmusing



Category: The Mists of Avalon - Marion Zimmer Bradley
Genre: Depression, Discussion of Abortion, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fix-It, Gen, Sexual Abuse, Spitefic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 03:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16442051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/senselessmusing/pseuds/senselessmusing
Summary: Avalon is supposed to be a matriarchal paradise, and last bastion of paganism in an increasingly Christianized Britain. Morgaine, who was brought there to become a priestess in the Goddess's Temple, thought of the island as her home. Despite this, she generally doesn't talk about what her life was like in the first several years of Avalon. Why is that?Spitefic originally posted on comments on das-sporking.





	1. The Early Years

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted as comments on das-sporking under the same username; rehosting here for posterity.

 

> _"Believe that I love you, Morgaine, for a time will come when you will hate me as much as you love me now-"_
> 
> _I fell impulsively to my knees. "Never," I whispered. "I am in the hands of the Goddess… and in yours…"_
> 
> _"May she grant that you never regret those words," Viviane said._

 

Every night, while I lay in bed, I can't help but to think about Viviane's statement. It doesn't matter whether I'm in the House of Maidens or under Viviane's roof or under the night sky or wherever I was attempting to snatch a few hours of blissful nothingness—my mind returned to that fateful night, again and again.

 

> _"I am in the hands of the Goddess… and in yours…"_

 

\---

The day after I first arrived at Avalon, Viviane took me to the House of Maidens. I was quickly acquainted with my fellow priestesses-in-training, my fellow scholars and housemates and colleagues. They showed me to my room, barren but for a bed of straw and a small desk and chair. My clothing was stripped from me, and I was given new attire, fit for my new status: deerskin tunics and blue dresses. I was not to refer to Viviane as Aunt anymore; now she was "Lady" or "High Priestess." When I tried to pray to the Virgin, I was rebuked.

"But I thought the Virgin was another name for the Goddess. Aunt Viv--"

"The _Lady_ does not recognize any Virgin as the Goddess,” the priestess said. “The Goddess is Mother, and you cannot be a Mother and a Virgin."

"Mary was Mother to God and a virgin," I protested. "Mother and Father Columbus said--"

"Your mother is a liar and your Father Columbus is an ignorant hack." She gave me a withering look. "Mary's a made-up story told to uneducated people who do not know any better. You are in Avalon, and in Avalon, there is only the Goddess, not some stupid virgin mother girl."

They left me alone in that room that first night, and I cried.

\---

The first year went by without my ever speaking to the woman formerly known as Aunt. I occasionally saw the Lady while performing my duties, but she never spoke to me as if I were her kinswoman, and I was never to speak to her as if she was my familiar. The Lady was distant and cold to me, and full of power. When I saw her, I could not help but to think of the High Priestess that could open the mists, and not the Aunt who asked me to share her chair and spoke of Avalon so many years ago.

I served as a servant to the other priestesses, helping them gather the water for the ceremonies and rites, collect honey, bake bread, tend to the children, and dye clothes. Meanwhile, I learned to play the harp, to sing the beautiful melodies and to retell our histories. I threw myself into my work and studies, hoping that by being extremely studious, the Lady would notice my effort and not regret bringing me here. The time went by quickly, for there was so much to learn and to recite and to do that there was very little room for thought. The only times I got to rest were at nights, in my lonely room in the House of Maidens, where for the first several months, I cried myself to sleep.

\---

Another year went past. Again, I would see the Lady as I walked along the path to the well, or when I was amongst the apple trees, or at the rites, but she never referred to me as anything other than another priestess-in-training, and I dared not speak to her like I would have spoken to a fellow kinswoman.

Enid taught me herb lore and the healing arts. She was kind, and patient, and rarely ever cross. She knew much about what she taught. Under her tutelage, I learned hundreds of plants and thousands of different preparations. There were so many different formulas, ones to treat fever, to calm burns, to _see_ , to remember…

One day, Enid and I were reviewing herbs meant to help enhance memory. We had gone over rosemary, and peppermint, and so many other plants. But then she said something strange.

"Morgaine, it is good to know the herbs to help you recollect, but sometimes you will want herbs to help you forget."

"Why?" I asked. "Isn't forgetfulness a bad thing for a priestess?"

"For many things, like the songs and the stories, yes," she answered. "But there are some things that a priestess would do well to let slip from memory."

"Forget what?" I responded, surprised. "I don't want to offend you, ma'am, but I thought that the Lady would not wish me to slack off in my studies."

"You… you will understand in time, Morgaine." Enid looked at my direction, her face distraught. It was as if she was _seeing_ something horrifying occurring where I was sitting.

I was frightened by that look, but I did not understand why. "Ma'am?"

She shook her head, and we continued on with our lesson as if nothing had happened.

\---

The third year had come. One day, a priestess came up to me, with a message from the Lady.

"Our High Priestess requests that you come to her house," she said via sign, given that she was under a vow of silence.

_She remembers that I exist!_ I cheered. It had been so long since she noticed me, and I hoped—

"It is time for you to begin work as her serving-woman."

My face fell at the news. _Oh._

"You are to go there tonight," she continued to sign, "and stay until she gives you leave."

I, too, was under a vow of silence at the time, as part of my training. I made the sign signaling assent, and went to my room to gather a few things before going to her house.

That night, I went straight to the Lady's wattled house. When I arrived, I hesitated for a bit, trying to gather my courage. _What if…?_ Despite how she treated me for the last few years, a small well of hope was in my chest.

_Knock knock knock._

I could hear some shuffling inside, and footsteps approaching.

The Lady opened the door. "Ah, hello there." She looked at me with impassive eyes. "You are here to serve me for the next several weeks. May the Goddess help you in your duty." She turned her back at me and walked inside without saying anything more.

As I followed her into the house, my heart broke. Even though I knew that I was only there to do my priestly duties, part of me had wished that she would remember who I was, and become the caring person I remembered in my youth. She was just as beautiful as she was at Morgause's wedding, but now it was a cold beauty, and so distant. That night, I laid in bed at the Lady's side room, staring at the ceiling and trying to not make a single sound, lest I disappoint the Goddess or Her High Priestess.

The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, I served at her beck and call, silently tending to her every need. She, on her part, treated me impersonally, like any of the other serving priestesses assigned to her house. This went on for a few weeks.

Then, one day, after a long stretch at the loom, she came to the room and signaled that it was time for dinner. I followed her to the table, where there laid bread and honey and mushrooms and fruit from the trees. She smiled, and called me "kinswoman" and "child" as she motioned for me to eat.

_Has she remembered that she is my Aunt?_ She had never referred to me as anything so familiar in the past few years. I wanted to respond, but remembered that I was still under my vow of silence, so I kept my head down and took my food without a sound.

We ate like that for a time, and then she signaled that I should retire for the night. I wanted to skip, but I remembered my place, and demurely prepared to go to sleep.

\---

I did not know how much time had passed that night. I could not sleep. I saw things that I had never seen, my body was alone in the dark room and frightened and my mind was in the sky in another horizon beyond that which we laid. I did not know what was happening to me, or why I felt ill. Even the shadows looked ominous from where my mind was.

As my body laid there, I saw the door to my room open and the Lady walk in. I heard her say my name, her eyes looking strange as she called my body her "kinswoman" and her "child." She had not referred to me by name in the past several years. I saw her lie on the bed, next to my body. She had never been this familiar with me, not once since I had arrived to Avalon.

Then… then she changed. As my mind watched, separated from myself, I saw her hands move closer, closer, closer to my body. I saw hands wrapped around my body. I saw her hands move … saw her hands begin to do things to my body, felt her hands in places where I never touched, nor let anyone else touch. My body began to feel strange, and begin to react in ways that I could not describe, for I had no words to speak in that faraway horizon above.

I could not reach myself to push her hands away. I lay there so far away from myself and her hands on that bed, unable to do anything except to watch as her hands retreated from myself, as her hands opened the door to the room and closed it shut again behind them.

\---

The next day, I woke up in my bed. My head felt dizzy, reeling from… I couldn't make words to explain what I thought had happened last night.

_Was what I saw real?_ My body felt violently sick, and strange, and odd. I wanted to vomit.

When the room stopped spinning, I finally got up. In trepidation, I walked to the door, and opened it.

The Lady sat at the table, the morning's breakfast laid out. "Good morning, Morgaine." She smiled at me, her eyes filled with warmth. "I hope that you had a good rest." I stared at her in mute horror. "What's wrong, my child? You look ill. Please, come and eat some bread at least. It might help settle your stomach."

The Lady— _Aunt Viviane_ —seemed to have remembered that she was my relation. I had longed for this, hoped that she would remember that time when I was still the Princess of Cornwall and she was my Aunt, but now that I had it, it left me wishing that she had forgotten me instead.

\---

Shortly after, I was released from the Lady's service. I quickly returned to my room at the House of Maidens, thankful to have finally been given leave. It was a welcome respite from the foreign familiarity that she had shown me.

As the next several years went on, I was to be called back to serve at the Lady's house, again and again. I dreaded going back there. I would have been freed from the demanding work of magic and Seeing and becoming like the Goddess, but I felt fear when I had to take another vow of silence, for shortly after that, a priestess would come to tell me it was my time to serve the Lady.

It was unpredictable, when my body would be at her hands' mercy. I did not know when I and my body would take leave from each other; sometimes it was every night, sometimes I would only go there once. I only knew that while my mind was apart, her hands did things to my body that I could not say, and the next morning would be that closeness that I wanted to reject but could not.

I tried to find ways to forget. I wanted to love the Lady. The Lady, when she was my Aunt, was good to me, but when she was the Lady as High Priestess, there was only terror. I did not hate her, for the Lady as Aunt had sent me to Avalon to learn what a convent would not teach, but I did not love her as the Goddess's High Priestess, for I could not believe that Goddess would have left me to Her servant's hands in this way. I loved the Goddess, but I could not love the High Priestess, and that horrified me even more.

Eventually, though, I learned to deaden the memories as best I could. It was not the same as forgetting, as sometimes they seized me while I was about Avalon, and threw me into convulsions, and caused me to tremor, but most of the time I could not feel anything. When I could not feel, I believed that I could love the Lady as I loved the Goddess I served.

After all, I had left myself at the hands of the Goddess and Her High Priestess when I was eleven. I could not let myself regret it now.


	2. Beltaine

> _"Morgaine, I told you years ago that your maidenhood belongs to the Goddess. Now She calls for it in sacrifice to the Horned God. You are to be the Virgin Huntress, and the bride of the Horned One. You have been chosen for this service."_
> 
> _It was very still in the room, as if we stood again in the center of the ring stones in ritual. I dared not break the silence. At last, knowing that the Lady was waiting for some word of consent—what had the words been, so long ago?—I bowed my head._
> 
> _"My body and my soul belong to Her, to do with as She will," I whispered. "And your will is Her will, Mother. Let it be so."_

So much time had passed since I first entered the Isle of Avalon. In that time, I decided to give my body and soul over to Her service and Her needs. Despite my grievances with the Lady of the Lake, Her High Priestess, I loved the Goddess, and wanted to devote my life to Her.

I knew that taking the vows meant that I had to follow the Lady’s will, for the Lady’s will was the Goddess’s, but I suppressed the ill feelings in my gut. I knew I was capable of taking everything that the Lady dealt to me: tasks that roughened my hands and broke my nails, strenuous rituals that required silence and fasting, food and drinks that caused me to see things beyond my control, and my duty to stay days and nights at her house as her serving-woman. So long as it was in the Goddess’s name, I told myself that it was good, even if I didn’t fully believe it to be true. I didn’t want to regret my decision to give my life over to Her; my faith was all I had left, and if I began to regret, I feared that I would lose my sense of purpose. As such, when the Lady called me in, and told me that I must be the Virgin Huntress and the Consort to the Horned One in the Great Marriage, I agreed.

\---

The night after the Great Marriage, I awoke. It was still dark outside, and peaceful. My head pounded _,_ consequence for all the drinks and drugs that I had consumed over the past few days. _Thank the Goddess that it was still dark outside_ , I thought.

The man who had played the Horned One laid beside me, still asleep. In the darkness, I could see the lines of his body. I hadn’t really noticed it before, because I had been too high to really notice what we were doing.

I shivered from the cold, and huddled myself in the deerskins.

Time passed, and my headache dissipated. Shortly before daybreak, the man awoke.

"Where are we?" he asked. "Oh yes, I remember. In the cave. Why, it's already getting light."

I nodded. The night before, he had been the Horned One, but today he was just another human, someone tangible and real.

He seemed to have thought this too. "Last night you were the Goddess," he murmured, "but I wake and I find you are a woman."

I laughed. He was but a man, and I was but a priestess performing my duty to the Goddess. With that, he kissed me. We then had sex, this time as humans, and not as representations of gods.

Afterwards, we talked for a bit, trying to make sense of what transpired the night before. The more we talked, the more it felt like I had known him forever, even though I felt sure that I had not met him before.

The light outside grew brighter and brighter. Soon, it was nearly time for us to depart.

"I do not suppose I will ever meet you again, for you are a priestess and dedicated to the Goddess. But I want to say this to you." He paused. "You were the very first. No matter how many women I may have, for all my life I will always remember you. I promise you that."

Wordlessly, I cradled him to my chest. He had been my first, too, and I would remember him forever.

But then he froze. "Your voice," he whispered, "and what you just did—why do I seem to know you? Is it because you are the Goddess, and in her all women are the same? No—" He straightened up, and studied my face closely. Then his eyes widened. "Morgaine! You are Morgaine! Morgaine, my sister!"

_What?_ No. No. No—

"Ah, God, Mary Virgin, what have we done?" he cried in anguish.

Horror boiled in my gut. "My brother," I whispered. "Ah, Goddess! Brother! Gwydion—"

"Arthur," he muttered.

I was still shell-shocked. _Gwydion, my brother, even if you call yourself Arthur now, that doesn’t change the fact that we… we…_

Now we were sobbing into each other’s arms. "No wonder it seemed to me that I have known you since before the world was made. I have always loved you, and this—ah, God, what have we done—"

"Don't cry," I said, helplessly, "don't cry." Even as I begged him to stop his tears, grief began to overwhelm me. _What have we done? Why, Goddess, Mother, Lady, why? Why?_ I wordlessly screamed into the void, but the Goddess said absolutely nothing.

\---

Upon my return to Avalon, I marched over to the Lady’s house. I wanted to confront her with _her_ choices. _She_ had been the one to tell me that it was my duty, _she_ must have known that my brother would play the Horned One, _she_ arranged for all this to happen to us. Why? Was it really the Goddess’s command, or was there something else at play?

_She_ refused to see me; the tall woman at the door told me that it _wasn’t the right time_.

_Not the right time?_ Something broke within me at that moment; for once, I didn’t want to wait for the Goddess to reveal Her purpose, if there even _was_ a purpose. “To hell with her time!” I screamed. “I absolutely need to speak with her now, she owes me answers!”

“The Lady cannot speak to you. She said that you must go back to your room at the House of Maidens and that she will call you when you’re read—”

“When I’m _ready_? How dare she tell me that I’m not _ready_ , does she think I was _ready_ to—”

“I’m sorry, but you have to leave.” As the tall woman went back to _her_ house, two other priestesses appeared, and dragged me away.

\---

After being unceremoniously sent away from _her_ house, I returned to my small room. For some time, I was so sick that I could not leave my bed. Doubt, anguish, betrayal, despair, and shame ran through my mind. It was difficult to get up in the morning, but even more difficult to sleep at night. Despite my exhaustion, I was afraid to sleep, fearing that I would dream of _her_ hands touching me, _her_ hands leading me to that cave, _her_ hands aligning everything just right and making sure that _it_ happened. In my despair and confusion, I begged the Goddess to come as the Lady of Destruction and end my life, to end the pain I felt inside. Even as I prayed, though, I knew that there was no one listening.

Eventually, I was forced to return to my duties. I taught the younger priestesses-in-training, and performed the motions of rite and ritual, as that was required of me as a full priestess. Inside I felt empty, unable to understand what I was doing or why I was still doing it. There seemed to be no point to it all. It meant nothing to me, all of this hullabaloo. What was the point in honoring the Goddess, if the Goddess had turned a blind eye that night and allowed _it_ to happen? Was there even a Goddess at all, or was it all just a lie told by a woman who thought she could play games with people’s lives?

Soon, the numbness shifted into blind, absolute _hatred_. I hated my mother for giving birth to me, hated my stepfather for allowing me to come to Avalon, hated Avalon for having such a terrible ritual, hated myself for believing _her_ at face value. But I _especially_ hated the Lady for doing this to me.

\---

Finally, after weeks of silence, _she_ sent a young priestess-girl to request my presence. Of course _she_ couldn’t be bothered to come herself; caring about other people was absolutely _beneath_ the _Lady_.

I had half a mind to refuse the invitation. After all, _she_ manipulated me and Gwydion in order to make _it_ happen, and then refused to confront the consequences of her actions. _She_ threw me away when I tried to confront her with my feelings, and told me that _my_ feelings weren’t mature enough for her attention, and now _she_ wanted to stoop down to talk? How _dare_ she assume that I could be put away in a dark corner, only to be taken out whenever she wanted, like a doll? If _she_ couldn’t respect me as a person, if not an equal, why should I respect _her_?

But as I looked down at the young girl, I was struck with a realization. That girl was probably being manipulated just like how _she_ manipulated me. If I took it out on her messenger in the Lady’s place, I wouldn’t be any better. So I held my tongue, and told the girl that I would come by when I finished my duties for the day.

When I arrived that night, the Lady opened the door, smiling graciously. She led me to the table; she had set out a plate of bread, dried meat, and fruit, and two goblets.

“There is no serving woman for tonight. I gave her early leave. It’s just you and me.” She motioned me to sit down; I took a seat across from her. “Would you like some wine, child?” she asked.

“No. I only want water,” I replied curtly.

One of her eyebrows rose. “Certainly this is the time for wine, my dea—”

“I am not your _dear_ or your _child_ _._ I want to drink water.” My eyes bored into hers. “I believe this is the proper time to abstain from drink, _Viviane_.”

She gaped at me for a second, before her face hardened. “As you wish, _Morgaine._ ”

We sat there in stifling silence. Eventually, Viviane began to eat the food, while I nursed my glass of water. Several times, she attempted to offer some of the dried meat, but I refused.

Finally, Viviane put down her utensil and looked at me. “I believe that there was something you wanted to say to me,” she said, her voice hard.

“I… I…” I had so many things that I had wanted to say, had rehearsed this confrontation in my mind for hours, but at my time of need, I couldn’t speak the words.

“So you had nothing to say, then? What was that commotion all about then? Was the Great Marriage not what you expected? Did the Consort reject you? Was he not satisfied with your maidenhood?”

“ _How dare you speak of_ _Gwydion_ _in that way._ ” Rage surged up inside of me. “You knew he was my brother, and yet you told me that my virginity was to be kept safe for him. My first sexual experience was with a boy who used to cry at my breast because our mother was too busy tending to her husband!”

“That was the Goddess’s will, kinswoman, She commanded—”

“ _She_ commanded _nothing_! No Goddess worth serving would trick a brother and sister to have sexual relations with each other. _You_ made the decision, Viviane. _You_ decided that Gwydion and I would be consorts. Not the Goddess. _You_.”

“So what if I made the decision to have your virginity preserved for that moment? The Goddess wants to ensure that the High King’s heir would be priestess-born, and this was the only way to do it.”

“You did this because you wanted to impregnate me with my brother’s _heir_?” My mind began to reel. “You used me because you wanted my _womb_? You used me because you wanted my womb to conceive a child that neither I nor my brother wanted or asked for?”

“You were the only one worthy,” she said with a smug face. “The child of the High King and the future Lady of Avalon? There can be no better heir than that! Arthur will thank me!”

Realization dawned upon me. “So that’s why you had me come to Avalon. You were setting me up for this the whole time. You were setting Gwydion and me up for this unholy scheme, and made sure to separate us in the hopes that we would not recognize what you had done.”

“I knew that you were the one when I first set eyes on you, my dear. Now tell me,” she said with a smile, “have you had your moon time at all in the past month?” I gaped at her in horror.

As she watched, I thought back to the past several weeks, trying to remember if I had bled and how long ago it was since _it_ happened. “No,” I whispered. I wanted to vomit.

“No?” Viviane smiled. “Good.” She looked at my face. “You look ill, my dear. Are you sure you don’t want to eat any of this fine meat? The child will need the nourishment, and I can’t have you be sick. After all, if you become sick, Arthur will not have an heir to the throne.”

“You don’t care about me or my brother. We did not consent to any of this. You only care about yourself.” I stood from the table and took steps back.

“I very much care about you, kinswoman.” She got up and stepped towards me. “Now that you’re with child, it’s important that you stay healthy, for the child’s health.”

“There will be no child.” I continued to walk back. “I refuse to be used in this way.”

“But you must! It is your duty to the Goddess!”

“Goddess _nothing_! I know now that you did it to further your own selfish schemes.” I was now near the door. “Well, I refuse to continue to play that game. I am leaving Avalon, tonight.”

“Where would you go? No one will take a single woman with child, not with markings like yours. You’ll be cursed!”

“I already live a cursed life with you, _Lady_. Not even the Christians treat women in this way.”

“The Christians?” she hissed. “The _Christians_ do not know how to treat their women.”

“When the Virgin was told that she will be the Mother of God, she felt great joy. Why? Because she had found favor with Him in her own way. Mary was not manipulated by her kinswoman; Mary was sinless in her life by her choice. When the Lord told her that she had been chosen to be the Mother of God, he told her what he had planned. She knew what was to happen and made the choice to _consent_.”

“Morgaine,” Viviane started. I didn’t care what she had to say, so I continued.

“Unlike Mary, _I_ was given no choice. _You_ had my life plotted out for me ever since I was seven. _You_ made the choice to take me to Avalon in order to prepare me for the role you wanted me to play, without my input. _You_ chose to raise and ordain me in the name of the ‘Goddess’ so that I would accept your word without question. When you told me that I was to take part in the ‘Great Marriage,’ _you_ hid important information from me in order to make me agree to it. You didn’t tell me that I was to become my brother’s consort, or that you intended me to bear his child. Then, when I realized the truth, you act as if I should be _honored_ to be treated this way. That is not a blessing, that is a _curse_.

“But you failed to plan for one thing: the day I became aware of your machinations. I’m aware that I have a choice, and I _chose_ to reject your curse.”

“You can’t!” Viviane looked at me with horror now. “I won’t let you!”

“You trained me to be your heir, _Lady_. You said so yourself. You taught me all the same powers that you have, in preparation for my ascension.” I opened the door wide. “Well, you won’t be able to stop me from leaving. I know your weaknesses. If there is a Goddess, I hope she sends you to hell.” I then left, walking out into the night. Viviane did not stop me from leaving.

When I approached the shore a short time later with my belongings, I called up the barge, and sailed out, resolving to cast out the curse from my womb. After I rid myself of this unwanted child, I would seek out my mother’s convent, and take refuge there. Now that I was free from Avalon and Viviane, I hoped to rekindle my relationship with my mother. We had a lot to talk about.


End file.
